Scare on the Square

I had debated about whether or not we would go to Scare ont he Square.  There were going to be so many people there and I just didn't know it was worth it.  But i enlisted the help of my sister and I am so glad we went!  It was hectic and there were a lot of scary costumes.  But Marley was so happy, and that was totally worth it after the day we had!  (Can someone please tell me how to make Marley takes naps again?!  Mommy needs that time alone!)

Marley wore her bumblebee costume, and Vivi wore Marley's very first Halloween costume!  Vivi is a month older than Marley was and it barely fit her!  She couldn't even stretch her legs out all the way.  But she looked dang cute!  And she wore it way longer than Marley ever did.  I think Marley wore it for about 15 minutes.  But this year, the weather was much better for it!

Is this not the cutest dog costume ever?!

They had an obstacle course that the kids could go though.  We went over with Marley that she could only go through once and that she had to go straight through and not backwards.  So, she did just what she was supposed to do until she peeked through and saw she was at the end.  And then she immediately turned around and tried to go back to the beginning! 

Marley perfected her "Trick or Treat" skills so that she could be a pro by Monday.  She was so sweet saying "Trick or treat!" and then a delicate little "thank you" when they gave her some candy.

Vivi was absolutely exhausted by the time it was over!

I am really glad we went, even if we didn't get to do everything.  But this kind of thing makes me miss Asa like crazy.  Next year we are dressing up together!

Ok, Asa?!

Yucky Weather

Fall is in full swing here in Nacogdoches.  Today and yesterday, the weather was cold and rainy and windy.  So, we stayed inside most of the day to protect my little babies from getting sick.  But we did venture out to the post office and I had to get a few pictures of our first outing in jackets and hats!

Vivi, 3.5 months, 2011

Marley, 2.5 months, 2008

  Isn't it cute how similar they look?

  After Marley's nap, I thought it would be a good idea for us to find something indoors to do.  A local store called Party'n'Things has a bounce house room where you can pay $5 on Friday afternoons and bounce and play with some other kids.  So, we headed there.  Turns out they were closed sinc eit was so close to Halloween.  Marley was bawling as we left.  So, I told her we could go to the park for a little while.

We literally lasted about 5 minutes before I made us leave.  The last thing I need is two sick babies and the weather was just awful.  So, we rushed back home to our warm house and enjoyed the rest of the evening there.  I think we have lots of indoor dance parties planned for this winter to use up some energy!

Halloween Festival

Last Friday, we went to our first Halloween festival!  Last Halloween, we went to a festival at Fort Leonard Wood, but Marley was much younger and completely overwhelmed.  So, we left shortly after we got there.  So, this was really her first chance to enjoy a Halloween themed activity!
We got her costume a few weeks ago at Old Navy.  She had been telling me for a long time that she wanted to a mermaid for Halloween, but when she saw this costume, she wanted it.  They had an adorable lady bug one also, but she literally cried because she wanted this one.  She is in love with it, so what can I do?  So, here is our little bumblebee!

Best picture we could get!

We headed to Donna's house and had a little dinner with all the cousins and Grandma and Pappy.

Turns out the festival was very overwhelming.  Marley was mostly quiet and shy, but she did have fun playing the games!  And she was even quite good at some of them!

Cake walk! 

She got to throw three ping pong balls and made every ball into a cup!

She was proud of her skills at the games!

Aunt Bonnie, Malachi the zombie, and Billy the terminator!

Marley got her face painted by these little middle school boys.  They messed it up and felt terrible about it.  The poor little boy in the blue shirt even cried!  I promised him that it was okay and I wasn't mad about it, so hopefully he recovered!

We ended the night earlier than we had planned, but the amount of people trying to fit into that elementary school gym was insane.  We still had a blast though!  She had a full candy basket and went to sleep fast that night!  So that's a victory for Marley and Mommy!

Today, I found alist of all the other things like this that are going on around town this week and we have many more to attend!

Googly Eyes

I was making lunch today and Marley was quietly playing in her playroom.  She came in with a huge smile on her face.  She had glued googly eyes to her eyelids.  I thought it was hilarious, so we both laughed and I she stuck some on my eyes.  I even posted a picture of her on Facebook!

Then, I asked her to clean up all the little eyes so that we could eat lunch. 

She came back in a few minutes later and said, "Mommy, can you get the google eyes out of my nose?'

"Are you serious, Marley?"  I looked and couldn't see anything.  "Are you serious?  Did you really stick them up your nose?!"

"Yes I did!  Two of them!"  She thought it was funny.

My first thought was, "Shit.  Looks like we're going to the hospital."  But I just looked at her shocked for a moment, like I had no idea where to start.  She doesn't do this kind of thing!

So, I ran and got some tissue and asked her to blow.  She did and nothing came out.

I got on shoes, picked up the diaper bag, found my phone to call my mom.  I was in full freakout mode.  Looking back now, it wasn't that much of an emergency.  But the first time something like this happens, I can freak a little bit!  Right?

I was about to go get Vivi out of bed and throw them in the car, but I decided to try one more time.  She blew her nose and one large googly eye came out.  Relief!

"Are there two?  Or just one?" I asked.  There were two.  So, she blew again and another large one came out. 

It was all okay.  I had a moment to scold myself for leaving her alone.  And I took a moment to explain not to put anything ever in your nose.

So, I thought about if I had ever done that as a kid.  I asked my mom and turns out I hadn't.  Mommy never put a single thing on her nose (other than probably my finger).  But you know who I bet did put plenty of things in his nose?

That's damn right.  Daddy!

For a long time, we all thought that Marley was going to have a similar personality to me.  But she is turning into her Daddy more and more every day.

Painting in Pajamas

Today we spent a lot of the day in our pajamas.  Ok, I will admit we did the same thing yesterday!  Anyway.  Moving on. 

Marley is in love with "pwojecks" these days.  When I can't think of anything exciting to do, we sit on the porch and paint.  Today, we painted 7 or 8 pictures for different family members! 

This was she assigned for Daddy.  It is a picture of the party when he comes home!  That's Daddy in the middle with the triangle head.  Doesn't he look happy to be home?

I have to conciously not interfere with her art.  It is so hard to be the slight perfectionist that I am, but just let her do whatever she wants.  But that independence and ability to make her own choices is what will turn her into who she will become!  So, I did cringe a little bit when she started to color the butterfly's wings black... but I kept it to myself.  And i love the way it turned out!

Vivienne's Birth

It's about time I write about Vivienne's birth.  This will probably be a lot more involved than a lot of people want to read, but I am trying to keep a good record so that I have it for later.  So, here we go!

I have been researching vaginal birth after cesarean (VBAC) since a few weeks after Marley's birth.  I was upset with how things had gone, but I was most frustrated with the fact that I had gone into her birth uninformed.  I didn't know anything about birth really.  And I had let me doctor talk me into things that I should have been more informed about.  I read articles, followed birthing blogs, watched videos, and found out as much as I possibly could.  And Asa and I decided that we wanted to a homebirth with a midwife the second time around. 

Unfortunately, when we got closer to the time we conceived, we knew Asa was going to be deployed for the birth.  And I didn't want to give birth at home without him.  So, my only other option in Nacogdoches was to use the same doctor as I did with Marley.  This really scared the hell out of me because of the choices she had made with my first birth.  But something was different this time. Me.  I knew way more about the birth process and I was determined not to have a cesarean unless it was medically necessary.

I had my 39 week doctor's appointment on June 28th. I was not dilated at all, but the baby had dropped and I was 75% effaced. I was discouraged because nothing had really changed in the last two weeks, and I really felt like nothing was going to happen any time soon. So, I spent the next week working hard to move things along. I bounced on my exercise ball every chance I could, walked every day, and swam a couple of times. I really wanted to make some progress before my next appointment.

So, my 40 week appointment was on July 5th. Dr. Hill checked me and I was 2 and a half centimeters dilated! I was so excited that I had made so much progress! She did a membrane sweep and joked that I should hold out until a decent time in the morning so that she could get some sleep. I was thinking that there was no way the membrane sweep would actually put me into labor. I was just happy that something was happening!

So, I went home and relaxed at the house. Marley took a nap while I tried to watch Covert Affairs on DVR. Around 1 or 1:30 that afternoon I started getting some minor cramps. Dr. Hill had told me that I would get some cramps, so I ignored them. My mom came home a little while later and we all went to get pedicures! We figured if I did have the baby soon, I needed my toe nails to be pretty! I was still getting mild cramps, but still not thinking anything of them. I could feel them in the front of my uterus, but they weren't radiating to my back and I wasn't having to breathe through them at all. So, I assumed it was nothing.

When I put Marley to bed that night, I rocked her a little longer and read her an extra story. I was thinking that this could be my last night with her as my only baby. I was very emotional. I was feeling excited, guilty, impatient, and overwhelmed. After I put Marley to bed that night, the cramps started coming a little more frequently. So, my mom and I downloaded contraction timers on our phones and started timing them. I bounced on my exercise ball while we watched Gilmore Girls and timed my cramps. I still didn't want to classify the as contractions because I just wasn't sure what was going on. My mom packed her hospital bags and I charged up all the cameras. Just in case. My cramps were 10-15 minutes apart.

My sister got home close to midnight and we decided to walk outside together and see if anything changed. We walked for 30 minutes or so and nothing seemed to be changing. It was really hard to tell when the cramps were starting and ending. That was the main reason why I didn't think this was the real thing. It would come so slowly and gradually that I didn't know what moment was the start of the contraction. All of our bags were by the door, but I just really didn't feel like this was it.

I took a bath and then went to bed. I remember thinking that it would be great if I could sleep through these cramps for a few hours and then wake up to some stronger contractions after a little sleep.  But if I didn't wake up until tomorrow, then this apparently wasn't the real thing. And I immediately passed out.

I woke up at 6:45 the next morning a little disappointed. I was glad I got a good night's sleep, but that meant that nothing was happening. I laid in bed for 10 minutes waiting to see if I was still getting cramps. But I wasn't. So, I got up and went to the bathroom. And that's when I lost my mucous plug. I was really shocked. Maybe this was really happening? I got back in bed since Marley was still sleeping and sat there debating what I should do next. The contractions immediately started. These were contractions and I knew it because I could tell exactly when they started and ended and I was having to concentrate on them a little more. I went to wake up my mom and tell her what was happening. Then I called Donna and told her that this might be it. I was still really cautious about getting excited though. I didn't want to get my hopes up if this wasn't the real thing.

We decided it would be a good idea if I walked. But it was already too hot to walk outside, so I wanted to walk inside somewhere. Lowe's was the best place I could think of! We slowly got ready while my contraction came every 6-10 minutes. Donna's car was getting worked on, so Marley, my mom, Joel and I drove to pick up from the car dealership before we went to Lowe's.

Right when we got to Lowe's, I called Dr. Hill's office and told them what was going on. It was about 10 am then. I told them I would probably be at the office around 10:45 so they could check me and see if I was really in labor. While we walked around Lowe's my contractions got more intense and closer together. I walked up and down the aisles and took deep breaths when they go tough. I had to keep moving because it felt so much better to be walking instead of standing still. I was also talking to Asa on Yahoo Messenger on my phone while I walked around. I wanted him to be sure he was around a phone, but I didn't want to get him too excited either in case this wasn't it.  I was in serious denial that this was really going to happen!

We came home around 11 am.  I decided we should probably pack all of our things in the car in case the doctor sent me to the hospital. I walked around the house getting everything together while my contractions started really getting serious. I was bending over the kitchen table, swaying back and forth, and taking deep breaths. I remember that Donna and my mom started mentioning going to the hospital and this point. I think everyone was nervous about me waiting too long. But I could still think and talk, so I knew we weren't getting that close yet. I also really wanted to take a shower, so I did. I even shaved my legs, just in case!

We left Donna at the house and told her that we would come back and get her if they sent us to the hospital. My biggest fear was that we would get to the doctor and I would still be having contractions, but I would still be 2-3 centimeter dilated. And then they would make me go to the hospital even if I didn't want to.

We got to the doctor around noon and they immediately sent me back to get checked. Laying on my back to get checked was miserable, but it came with good news. I was 4-5 centimeters! I was ready to admit this was the real thing. And I was finally letting myself get excited! The nurse practitioner suggested I go to the hospital. I really didn't want to go to the hospital too soon and get stuck in a bed to be monitored. I wanted to be able to move around and deal with my contractions naturally and I knew that as soon as I got there, they would put me in bed. So, I told her I would go to the hospital, but that I needed to go home first. I talked to Asa when we left the doctor and told him this was it. Luckily he had the next day off and he was at the bigger FOB with better phones and internet. So, he would be able to call frequently to check on things.

So, we went home and I ate some soup and fruit. I knew that I wouldn't be allowed to eat at the hospital, so I needed some fuel before we went. I kissed and hugged Marley goodbye and told her what was happening. She was excited, but Diego was on. So, she was a little busy. But I guess that is better than her being upset and crying because I was leaving. That wold have been so much harder.

We got to the hospital room around 1:30 pm. They got me in a room and I changed into my hospital gown. We brought my exercise ball with me so that I could move around on it during my contractions. Unfortunately, I was immediately put in the bed to be monitored. I can't even explain the difference in how that felt. Because of the monitors, I had to be leaning back in the bed to get a reading. Leaning back was 10 times more uncomfortable than leaning forward and getting the pressure off my back. The second I got in that bed, my pain was unbearable. I had really wanted to labor naturally as long as I could, but it didn't seem possible stuck in the bed. It felt so much better to be out and moving.

So, I stayed in bed trying to control my pain for a little while. The nurse was asking my all the normal questions while I tried to breathe through the contractions. At 2:30pm they checked me and I was almost 6 centimeters dilated. At this point, I started asking my mom to write things down so that I could remember. I decided to go ahead and order and epidural and get the bag of fluid I needed, so that I would be ready when I wanted it. I asked if I could sit on my exercise ball for a while. They helped me get all the wires moved around so that I could bounce on the ball. It felt so much better to be on the ball. I could move my hips, lean on the bed, and get the pressure off my back. However, they couldn't get the contraction readings and baby's heart rate while I was on the ball.

This was a really stressful time. I wanted to badly to get the monitors off and move around the room to deal with the contractions. But I couldn't. I felt trapped in the bed and being in the bed with the contractions was absolutely miserable. So, I got the epidural at 4:00. I felt like it was my only choice.

The man who did my epidural was terrible. I was tears. It was so painful and it took what felt like 30 minutes. He kept missing and putting the catheter in the wrong spot. That sent shooting pains down my back and into my hips. I was screaming and crying from the pain. I can honestly say that after that experience I am 99% sure I will not be getting an epidural again.

After the epidural was finally in, they checked me and I was 7-8 centimeter dilated, 100% effaced, and the baby's head was at +1 station. I was so excited and proud of myself that I had made it that far on my own. Things were really moving along! The epidural started working and I was able to relax pain-free for about 45 minutes. Then things got painful again.

At about 4:45, I was feeling a lot of pain. I thought it might be pressure, but I couldn't tell. So, I asked the nurse to come check me. She said that I was about 9 centimeters. I was so uncomfortable though. The epidural had my legs numb, but my pelvis was in so much pain. The baby's head was moving down and I could feel the difference. I think I asked them to check me 2 more times in the next 20 minutes. The pressure was so much that I really felt like this must be it.

I was really scared because Jenna, who was supposed to be taking pictures for me, hadn't gotten there yet. She got off work at 5:00, so I didn't want anything to happen before she got there! She showed up at about 5:10 pm and shortly after that I was fully dilated.

Asa was able to be on the phone for most of the action. I think we lost the connection a few times, but it was hard for me to pay attention while I was pushing. I would have loved to be able to hold the phone and hear his voice through the hard part, but I just couldn't handle it.

The nurses had me do some practice pushes and I did really well. So, they turned off my epidural, thinking that the baby would be out really soon. But pushing was so hard. I can't even explain it. I have heard people say that pushing felt good because it was making progress and working toward something. But it did not feel good to me. I felt like I had no control over my body or my mind or the things that I was saying. Looking back now, I wish I could have taken a break and gotten a hold of myself. I had so many things going through my head and I was saying things that I wouldn't have said otherwise. I couldn't focus on what I was doing, I hated the way the nurse was talking to me, and I just wanted Asa there to tell me I could do it.  I just kept telling them I wanted to get off my back and I needed a new way to push.  But they basically told me I couldn't and this was the best way (which made me angry at the time, and infuriates me now).

I said I wanted a c-section. I said I couldn't do it. I screamed at every one in the room. I shouted, "No one is COUNTING!" It was so much harder than I thought it would be. Asa was on the phone for all of it. He heard me screaming and asked to talk to me at one point. He told me I could do it and he loves me.

And then all of the sudden, Dr. Hill started putting all of her gear on and I knew we were finally getting close! A few minutes later, every one was screaming that the head was out! I pushed a little bit more, until her waist was out. Then I reached down and pulled her the rest of way out and to my chest.

I immediately opened her legs and yelled, "It's a girl!" She was so beautiful. She was perfect and I honestly couldn't believe she was in my arms.  Her face was so round, and she had a little more chub on her than Marley did.  But they looked so similar at the time.

I welcomed her with, "Hi, Baby!"  She laid on my chest while I told her I was sorry and that her Daddy loves her. I'm not really sure, but I guess I was apologizing for how rough it was to come into the world! I immediately loved her and felt like her Mama.  When Marley was born, I only had a few seconds to see her before she went to the nursery, but this time I got to actually hold my baby.  It was amazing to have her right there and get to know her immediately.  My mom cut her umbilical cord and the nurse wiped her off. She didn't cry right away, so they took her to the bassinet to clean out her lungs. I talked to Asa on the phone while I delivered the placenta and got stitched up. She was born at 6:26 pm.








I was so overwhelmed with emotions.  I was shaking and delirious while I tried to talk to Asa, half laughing and half crying.  I remember I kept telling "I did it!  I can't believe I did it!", "We have two babies!" and "She's perfect!" I wanted to be able to describe her and make him feel like he was there seeing her, but I just couldn't.  My brain wasn't working the way I wanted it to, and I wasn't really making sense most of the time.  We had been pretty sure for weeks that we wanted to name her Vivienne if she was a girl, but we had been debating on her middle name.  (By the way, we did NOT have a boy name picked out at all!)  But Asa told me to decide.  So, she was Vivienne Rhys, which means alive and enthusiasm. 

When they brought her back over to me and I tried to get her to nurse. She wasn't really interested, so we just cuddled for a while. Asa asked me to put him on speaker phone so that she could hear his voice. Through his tears, he told he loves her. We got to Skype with him for a few minutes so that he could see what she looked like. My mom emailed him three pictures of her also. It was so hard to know that we had this new member of our family and we couldn't be together. All I wanted was for him to be watching her over my shoulder, kissing my head, soaking up her face. But, he could only see three pictures of her and hear her over the phone. It was heartbreaking. I was so happy that he got to be on the phone for every thing though. He heard it all. The timing of her birth couldn't have been better.

She stayed with me for a long time after that.  The first person I wanted to see her was Marley.  So, Emily and Joel brought her up, and I told her, "This is Vivienne, your sister!"  Marley was immediately in love.  I hope I never forget her sweet little face.  She looked at Vivi like she was going to love her forever, like Vivi was the best thing in the world.  She immediately asked to hold her, so she crawled up next to me and we held her together.  She kissed her lttle sister without us asking her to.  She kissed her again and again and again.  I couldn't stop laughing and smiling watching them together. 

We had ice cream cake to celebrate Vivi coming into the world.  There was a blanket spread out on the floor and everyone had a slice of cake and talked about the day.  I talked to Asa off and on during all of this.  Poor guy, it was the middle of the night for him.  So he eventually went to sleep so that he could get some rest. 

After the little birthday party, Vivi was taken to the nursery.  I hate that part.  She was gone for about 3 hours and I hated every second of it.  I was supposed to be resting and relaxing, but I just kept telling my mom, "I want my baby.  I miss my baby."  I eventually got moved to the postpartum room, where I waited for a while longer.  Until finally they brought her.  She was clean and cozy, but still not really into nursing.  I kept trying, but she didn't really nurse regularly until we were leaving the hospital 24 hours later. 

Our hospital stay was pretty nice.  Marley got to visit several times, and we only had to stay for 24 hours after the birth.  I soaked up Vivi as much as I could.  It was amazing to get to know this little baby that had been inside of me for so long.  I loved studying her face and watching her sleep.  And when Marley did get to come, we really got to bond together, and I loved watching her fascination with her new little sister.  I didn't sleep as much as I should have because I was too busy staring at her and smiling about her.  Physically, things were so much easier than with the c-section.  I was up changing her diapers the next morning, going to the bathroom alone, and I even got to take a shower. 

I have to take a moment to thank my mommy and Donna.  I seriously could not have done this without them.  Their patience with me and love for my family made this day so much better than it could have been.  They made me feel like a rockstar. 

We were welcomed home by a happy two year old big sister and decorations she and Deedee had made for us.
 
Obviously, I wanted Asa there for every second of it.  I worry that one day Vivi will think he doesn't love her as much because he wasn't there.  Or that she didn't matter as much.  But I hope it never even crosses her mind.  It broke both of our hearts for him not to be there.  And he would have been if he could.  But we did the very best we could with what we had.  I am so thankful that he was on the phone.  He got to hear her cry, hear me cry, hear she was a girl, and see her on Skype.  That was the very best we could do.  And he loves his girls more than anything. 

Overall, I am very happy with the way things went.  With the circumstances, I don't think it could have gone any better.  With that being said, we are planning a homebirth for our future children!  I can write for a few more hours about why, but I will save that for another day.  Our family of four is absolutely perfect.  I cannot wait for us to all be together!