I have been researching vaginal birth after cesarean (VBAC) since a few weeks after Marley's birth. I was upset with how things had gone, but I was most frustrated with the fact that I had gone into her birth uninformed. I didn't know anything about birth really. And I had let me doctor talk me into things that I should have been more informed about. I read articles, followed birthing blogs, watched videos, and found out as much as I possibly could. And Asa and I decided that we wanted to a homebirth with a midwife the second time around.
Unfortunately, when we got closer to the time we conceived, we knew Asa was going to be deployed for the birth. And I didn't want to give birth at home without him. So, my only other option in Nacogdoches was to use the same doctor as I did with Marley. This really scared the hell out of me because of the choices she had made with my first birth. But something was different this time. Me. I knew way more about the birth process and I was determined not to have a cesarean unless it was medically necessary.
I had my 39 week doctor's appointment on June 28th. I was not dilated at all, but the baby had dropped and I was 75% effaced. I was discouraged because nothing had really changed in the last two weeks, and I really felt like nothing was going to happen any time soon. So, I spent the next week working hard to move things along. I bounced on my exercise ball every chance I could, walked every day, and swam a couple of times. I really wanted to make some progress before my next appointment.
So, my 40 week appointment was on July 5th. Dr. Hill checked me and I was 2 and a half centimeters dilated! I was so excited that I had made so much progress! She did a membrane sweep and joked that I should hold out until a decent time in the morning so that she could get some sleep. I was thinking that there was no way the membrane sweep would actually put me into labor. I was just happy that something was happening!
So, I went home and relaxed at the house. Marley took a nap while I tried to watch Covert Affairs on DVR. Around 1 or 1:30 that afternoon I started getting some minor cramps. Dr. Hill had told me that I would get some cramps, so I ignored them. My mom came home a little while later and we all went to get pedicures! We figured if I did have the baby soon, I needed my toe nails to be pretty! I was still getting mild cramps, but still not thinking anything of them. I could feel them in the front of my uterus, but they weren't radiating to my back and I wasn't having to breathe through them at all. So, I assumed it was nothing.
When I put Marley to bed that night, I rocked her a little longer and read her an extra story. I was thinking that this could be my last night with her as my only baby. I was very emotional. I was feeling excited, guilty, impatient, and overwhelmed. After I put Marley to bed that night, the cramps started coming a little more frequently. So, my mom and I downloaded contraction timers on our phones and started timing them. I bounced on my exercise ball while we watched Gilmore Girls and timed my cramps. I still didn't want to classify the as contractions because I just wasn't sure what was going on. My mom packed her hospital bags and I charged up all the cameras. Just in case. My cramps were 10-15 minutes apart.
My sister got home close to midnight and we decided to walk outside together and see if anything changed. We walked for 30 minutes or so and nothing seemed to be changing. It was really hard to tell when the cramps were starting and ending. That was the main reason why I didn't think this was the real thing. It would come so slowly and gradually that I didn't know what moment was the start of the contraction. All of our bags were by the door, but I just really didn't feel like this was it.
I took a bath and then went to bed. I remember thinking that it would be great if I could sleep through these cramps for a few hours and then wake up to some stronger contractions after a little sleep. But if I didn't wake up until tomorrow, then this apparently wasn't the real thing. And I immediately passed out.
We decided it would be a good idea if I walked. But it was already too hot to walk outside, so I wanted to walk inside somewhere. Lowe's was the best place I could think of! We slowly got ready while my contraction came every 6-10 minutes. Donna's car was getting worked on, so Marley, my mom, Joel and I drove to pick up from the car dealership before we went to Lowe's.
Right when we got to Lowe's, I called Dr. Hill's office and told them what was going on. It was about 10 am then. I told them I would probably be at the office around 10:45 so they could check me and see if I was really in labor. While we walked around Lowe's my contractions got more intense and closer together. I walked up and down the aisles and took deep breaths when they go tough. I had to keep moving because it felt so much better to be walking instead of standing still. I was also talking to Asa on Yahoo Messenger on my phone while I walked around. I wanted him to be sure he was around a phone, but I didn't want to get him too excited either in case this wasn't it. I was in serious denial that this was really going to happen!
We came home around 11 am. I decided we should probably pack all of our things in the car in case the doctor sent me to the hospital. I walked around the house getting everything together while my contractions started really getting serious. I was bending over the kitchen table, swaying back and forth, and taking deep breaths. I remember that Donna and my mom started mentioning going to the hospital and this point. I think everyone was nervous about me waiting too long. But I could still think and talk, so I knew we weren't getting that close yet. I also really wanted to take a shower, so I did. I even shaved my legs, just in case!
We left Donna at the house and told her that we would come back and get her if they sent us to the hospital. My biggest fear was that we would get to the doctor and I would still be having contractions, but I would still be 2-3 centimeter dilated. And then they would make me go to the hospital even if I didn't want to.
We got to the doctor around noon and they immediately sent me back to get checked. Laying on my back to get checked was miserable, but it came with good news. I was 4-5 centimeters! I was ready to admit this was the real thing. And I was finally letting myself get excited! The nurse practitioner suggested I go to the hospital. I really didn't want to go to the hospital too soon and get stuck in a bed to be monitored. I wanted to be able to move around and deal with my contractions naturally and I knew that as soon as I got there, they would put me in bed. So, I told her I would go to the hospital, but that I needed to go home first. I talked to Asa when we left the doctor and told him this was it. Luckily he had the next day off and he was at the bigger FOB with better phones and internet. So, he would be able to call frequently to check on things.
So, we went home and I ate some soup and fruit. I knew that I wouldn't be allowed to eat at the hospital, so I needed some fuel before we went. I kissed and hugged Marley goodbye and told her what was happening. She was excited, but Diego was on. So, she was a little busy. But I guess that is better than her being upset and crying because I was leaving. That wold have been so much harder.
We got to the hospital room around 1:30 pm. They got me in a room and I changed into my hospital gown. We brought my exercise ball with me so that I could move around on it during my contractions. Unfortunately, I was immediately put in the bed to be monitored. I can't even explain the difference in how that felt. Because of the monitors, I had to be leaning back in the bed to get a reading. Leaning back was 10 times more uncomfortable than leaning forward and getting the pressure off my back. The second I got in that bed, my pain was unbearable. I had really wanted to labor naturally as long as I could, but it didn't seem possible stuck in the bed. It felt so much better to be out and moving.
So, I stayed in bed trying to control my pain for a little while. The nurse was asking my all the normal questions while I tried to breathe through the contractions. At 2:30pm they checked me and I was almost 6 centimeters dilated. At this point, I started asking my mom to write things down so that I could remember. I decided to go ahead and order and epidural and get the bag of fluid I needed, so that I would be ready when I wanted it. I asked if I could sit on my exercise ball for a while. They helped me get all the wires moved around so that I could bounce on the ball. It felt so much better to be on the ball. I could move my hips, lean on the bed, and get the pressure off my back. However, they couldn't get the contraction readings and baby's heart rate while I was on the ball.
This was a really stressful time. I wanted to badly to get the monitors off and move around the room to deal with the contractions. But I couldn't. I felt trapped in the bed and being in the bed with the contractions was absolutely miserable. So, I got the epidural at 4:00. I felt like it was my only choice.
The man who did my epidural was terrible. I was tears. It was so painful and it took what felt like 30 minutes. He kept missing and putting the catheter in the wrong spot. That sent shooting pains down my back and into my hips. I was screaming and crying from the pain. I can honestly say that after that experience I am 99% sure I will not be getting an epidural again.
After the epidural was finally in, they checked me and I was 7-8 centimeter dilated, 100% effaced, and the baby's head was at +1 station. I was so excited and proud of myself that I had made it that far on my own. Things were really moving along! The epidural started working and I was able to relax pain-free for about 45 minutes. Then things got painful again.At about 4:45, I was feeling a lot of pain. I thought it might be pressure, but I couldn't tell. So, I asked the nurse to come check me. She said that I was about 9 centimeters. I was so uncomfortable though. The epidural had my legs numb, but my pelvis was in so much pain. The baby's head was moving down and I could feel the difference. I think I asked them to check me 2 more times in the next 20 minutes. The pressure was so much that I really felt like this must be it.
I was really scared because Jenna, who was supposed to be taking pictures for me, hadn't gotten there yet. She got off work at 5:00, so I didn't want anything to happen before she got there! She showed up at about 5:10 pm and shortly after that I was fully dilated.
Asa was able to be on the phone for most of the action. I think we lost the connection a few times, but it was hard for me to pay attention while I was pushing. I would have loved to be able to hold the phone and hear his voice through the hard part, but I just couldn't handle it.
The nurses had me do some practice pushes and I did really well. So, they turned off my epidural, thinking that the baby would be out really soon. But pushing was so hard. I can't even explain it. I have heard people say that pushing felt good because it was making progress and working toward something. But it did not feel good to me. I felt like I had no control over my body or my mind or the things that I was saying. Looking back now, I wish I could have taken a break and gotten a hold of myself. I had so many things going through my head and I was saying things that I wouldn't have said otherwise. I couldn't focus on what I was doing, I hated the way the nurse was talking to me, and I just wanted Asa there to tell me I could do it. I just kept telling them I wanted to get off my back and I needed a new way to push. But they basically told me I couldn't and this was the best way (which made me angry at the time, and infuriates me now).
I said I wanted a c-section. I said I couldn't do it. I screamed at every one in the room. I shouted, "No one is COUNTING!" It was so much harder than I thought it would be. Asa was on the phone for all of it. He heard me screaming and asked to talk to me at one point. He told me I could do it and he loves me.
I immediately opened her legs and yelled, "It's a girl!" She was so beautiful. She was perfect and I honestly couldn't believe she was in my arms. Her face was so round, and she had a little more chub on her than Marley did. But they looked so similar at the time.
I was so overwhelmed with emotions. I was shaking and delirious while I tried to talk to Asa, half laughing and half crying. I remember I kept telling "I did it! I can't believe I did it!", "We have two babies!" and "She's perfect!" I wanted to be able to describe her and make him feel like he was there seeing her, but I just couldn't. My brain wasn't working the way I wanted it to, and I wasn't really making sense most of the time. We had been pretty sure for weeks that we wanted to name her Vivienne if she was a girl, but we had been debating on her middle name. (By the way, we did NOT have a boy name picked out at all!) But Asa told me to decide. So, she was Vivienne Rhys, which means alive and enthusiasm.
She stayed with me for a long time after that. The first person I wanted to see her was Marley. So, Emily and Joel brought her up, and I told her, "This is Vivienne, your sister!" Marley was immediately in love. I hope I never forget her sweet little face. She looked at Vivi like she was going to love her forever, like Vivi was the best thing in the world. She immediately asked to hold her, so she crawled up next to me and we held her together. She kissed her lttle sister without us asking her to. She kissed her again and again and again. I couldn't stop laughing and smiling watching them together. 
We had ice cream cake to celebrate Vivi coming into the world. There was a blanket spread out on the floor and everyone had a slice of cake and talked about the day. I talked to Asa off and on during all of this. Poor guy, it was the middle of the night for him. So he eventually went to sleep so that he could get some rest.
After the little birthday party, Vivi was taken to the nursery. I hate that part. She was gone for about 3 hours and I hated every second of it. I was supposed to be resting and relaxing, but I just kept telling my mom, "I want my baby. I miss my baby." I eventually got moved to the postpartum room, where I waited for a while longer. Until finally they brought her. She was clean and cozy, but still not really into nursing. I kept trying, but she didn't really nurse regularly until we were leaving the hospital 24 hours later.
I have to take a moment to thank my mommy and Donna. I seriously could not have done this without them. Their patience with me and love for my family made this day so much better than it could have been. They made me feel like a rockstar.
We were welcomed home by a happy two year old big sister and decorations she and Deedee had made for us.
Obviously, I wanted Asa there for every second of it. I worry that one day Vivi will think he doesn't love her as much because he wasn't there. Or that she didn't matter as much. But I hope it never even crosses her mind. It broke both of our hearts for him not to be there. And he would have been if he could. But we did the very best we could with what we had. I am so thankful that he was on the phone. He got to hear her cry, hear me cry, hear she was a girl, and see her on Skype. That was the very best we could do. And he loves his girls more than anything. Overall, I am very happy with the way things went. With the circumstances, I don't think it could have gone any better. With that being said, we are planning a homebirth for our future children! I can write for a few more hours about why, but I will save that for another day. Our family of four is absolutely perfect. I cannot wait for us to all be together!
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