PARTY!

Tonight was Marley's birthday party! As I mentioned before, I really don't love hosting parties. And I will admit that this party was a little stressful, but I wouldn't change it for anything. There were a few awkward situations like I feared, but I really felt like every one could handle it. No matter who had come, there would have been a little awkward going on. So, with 25 people, I think it went well! We were a little low on space and chairs, but definitely in better shape then we would have been in our apartment. Waiting for guests to arrive.

Daddy decorating Marley's personal cake.

I had it in my head that I was going to make her this perfect cake. I don't know where I got that idea since I have never really decorated a cake, so I wasn't as great as I had planned. But, I love it. Asa took over and made it really cute!

Relaxing with Aunt Emily before the guests arrive.

Practicing the little decorative horns. She loved them, but could only suck on them, not blow.

Let the party begin! As I mentioned before, we had tons of people! I put my sister in charge of taking pictures, since Asa and I were cooking. She took almost 400 pictures in the two hour span of the party! She's a girl after my own heart!

Grandma Donna and Great Grandma Shirley.Papa and Mimi and Marley.

Trying pink lemonade for the first time! It was sour!

Marley's Mimi and my Mimi and Marley. That's confusing!

Look, she found some one to walk her around! She kept holding the side of her dress up like that too, like a little lady.

She got started without me! We had to wait for every one to get there, but Marley was getting impatient.

She got two little dolls and she loves them. I really don't want her to love Barbies, but sweet little dolls like this will hopefulyl continue to be a hit. She also got a stroller for each one!

She was great at keeping every one interested during the presents. She even played peek-a-boo with the clothes. And she got tons of beautiful clothes! I can't wait to put her in all of them! She is going to be so fashionable.

Her Grandma, Asa's mom, hand made her four adorable dresses! I can't wait for her to wear them.

Ok, I know this totally looks like some thing that should be at a little boy's birthday party, but I love it! It balances out all the super girlie stuff she got, and obviously she enjoyed it too!

Already being naughty: driving and texting.

After the presents were all opened, it was time for cake. I had this idea in my mind that she was going to be like all the other one year olds I had heard about, who tear into their cake, shove it in their mouth, and rub it all over their faces. I actually fell asleep in my cake at my first birthday. Marley, not so much. She touched it, licked her fingers, and I think she liked it. But, she was not enthusiastic. She kept looking at us like she wasn't supposed to do it, and then she just got mad and started crying.

I was disappointed at first. I wanted it to be this big deal, and she didn't even want to touch it. But the more I thought about it, the more I appreciated it. She is her own person, and why did I need her to be like the other babies. She may not like cake. And it says a lot about her personality. She is going to be cautious and maybe a little nervous about new things. And that is perfectly fine, I'm the same way (just not about cake). It was sweet and girly and perfect. We are going to try again next week on her actual birthday to see if she likes it then, but i won't be upset if she doesn't. I liked her being different.

So, we got her naked and cleaned up and then she was having fun. The majority of people left and she was much more comfortable with the smaller group. She actually played with her toys and laughed and had a good time.

She loved taking the pieces out of the puzzle my Mimi got her. Mimi would put them in and Marley would pull them out, squealing and laughing. She knew where they went back, but she couldn't quite get them in the slot.One of the biggest hits of the night was the Princess cell phone that Jenna got her. She held that thing up to her ear for ten minutes.

My mom and Joel got her a shopping cart with some vegetables that go in it. She really liked pulling things in and out of it, and her new dolls fit perfectly in the seat in front.Here she is, shopping with her baby and talking on the phone! Classic.

I have to say that with our next child, I will do things a little differently for the first birthday. She was overwhelmed with the amount of people that were there, so I will probably make it a smaller event next time. I felt like I needed to be entertaining every one and I didn't want them to be bored. I regret rushing though the presents, because she got a little upset about that. But I was a little stressed. It was kind of like at a wedding where you invite all these people but you are too busy running around to actually talk to them. So, when people were leaving i felt like I hadn't even said a word to them. I feel like that makes me ungrateful, but I really am grateful for every thing and every one who came. I hope every one knows that.

Overall, it was a success. Even with the stress, I loved it. It was her first birthday party! I didn't cry, but next Friday I probably will. At 9:03 pm, I will kissing Marley's forehead and crying about how fast life goes by. But tonight was the night to celebrate! I am so excited for what's to come and i am so proud of what has happened so far!

Recent Milstones

Okay, some of these might not be "real" milestones that you find in books, but they are exciting none the less.

She can play ball with us. She loved to chase her ball around at my mom's house about a month ago. She would crawl around after it, and when she got to it she would hit it with her hand and keep going. This resulted in hours of fun. She still does this, but now she can also roll it back and forth to us. She thinks it so funny when she successfully gets it to me, and she loves the excitement of it coming towards her.

She can kind of say "dog". Sometimes it sounds like "gah" and sometimes it sounds like "dah", but she knows what we're saying. She always looks right at Kima after I say it, and most of the time she will say it right after me.

She has gotten so confident in her walking skills. I will be doing laundry in our bedroom and when I come out, she is walking half way down the hallway. She will walk across the living room for the toys she wants and follows us into the kitchen all the time. She gets a little too excited once she can see us though. She is doing fine until she starts laughing and then she falls. I don't want that part to stop though, it's so cute. Her little legs look so cute when she's walking. She is good enough to be able to walk in public places if I am holding her hand. The problem is this child HATES shoes. Even if they are only on for a second, she is screaming her head off. The other day, people were string at me like I was abusing her in Walmart when I was trying shoes on her. But I sure wish she would wear them because life might be a little more fun!

She is really starting to understand what we say. I know she knows what "no" means, but she chooses to ignore it. The main one that she always obeys is "sit down" in the bathtub. (At least she does for me... I hear Asa in there saying it like 20 times in a row when he gives her a bath.)

She is just so fun! She has so much personality and life to her and she really brightens every thing up.

I love her.

A Trip to the Local Park

Videos

I don't want to bombard anyone with videos of my daughter, but here are the link to some if you want to watch them!

Marley Dancing

Walking with Papa

My Personal Favorite!

ENJOY!

Yay!

She learned how to clap yesterday! We have been trying to get her to do this for a month of so, and she finally just did it!

Surgery

Today, we went to Marley's tongue-tie check up. We chose a new doctor to do it, because the first doctor we went to was rude and only interested in how much he was going to get paid. Keeping her occupied in the office was hard. We waited for about an hour, and it seemed they had every thing placed perfectly where Marley could reach it. She was rubbing books on the ground and yanking magazines off the shelves. There was one kid toy, but nothing she was interested in. So, after about 30 minutes of that, the receptionist quietly asked us to come back to the private waiting room. In this room, there were no toys, no magazine, no nothing. So, Marley played with the door stop for a while and then tried her very best to escape the room and parade herself down the hallway.

When we finally got called in to the doctor, it took about 5 minutes. He pretty much just said, "yep, she's tongue tied" and then answered my questions about the surgery. So, here's what happens. She will be given gas to put her to sleep. It takes about 8 breaths to put her to sleep. The procedure will take two or three minutes, and she will be left with a small stitch that will dissolve in a few days. Immediately after the procedure, they will stop the gas and it will take about 8 more breaths for it to get out of her system. Then they will take her to the recovery room and bring us back to see her. Then they want me to nurse her and we get to chill for a while.

She is not allowed to eat after midnight the day of the surgery, which is next Monday morning. I am worried about this because she still nurses at night for comfort. I know she doesn't need it because she's hungry, but it is going to be hard to comfort her without it. The other part I am worried about is when she is awake without me at the surgery. They are going to take her away from me, and she will probably be crying. How will they get her calmed down enough to put her to sleep? What will they do when she wakes up? Will she be crying alone in a crib until they bring me back? Are they going to even try to comfort her?How long will it be until I am allowed to come back? I guess these are things I should have asked today at the appointment, but I didn't think about them until afterward. I know the surgery really is necessary for her future speech habits, but it's really scary. I don't want her to be upset, and of course I want to be able to comfort her and be with her. So, those are my main worries. I don't want her to be scared.

Marley's Fifth Month of Life

Chapter Five from Jillian Shaw on Vimeo.

Today

Last night, as I was looking through pictures from last year, I got really really sad that we have not taken Marley on a vacation, we haven't taken many pictures of the three of us as a family, and we spend too much time at home. I want her to be out, experiencing things and it makes me sad that most of our days are spent playing at home. So, today I wanted to change things up a bit.

First, we ran a ton of errands. I have been working on her scrapbook for the past few days and needed some more supplies for that. So, we shopped for a while and then went home for a huge nap. Yesterday, I got really debated where Marley should be sleeping now. I mean, she is almost a year old, and for some reason that seems like a magic number to me. Like she won't be a baby anymore. So, I attempted letting her sleep in her crib. It didn't work. In fact the result was so heartbreaking that we were both in tears at the end of it. So, why does one have to be the magic age? It doesn't. And life was so much easier today, when I wasn't worried about the imaginary time line. I have decided to keep her down to one nap a day, because then she really is tired when it's time for bed. But as for the crib thing, I'm waiting until we are both ready. As long as the three of us are happy, this will be what is right for us.

This afternoon, we went to my mom and Joel's house so that Marley could see some fresh faces. While my mom napped, Joel and I took Marley in the backyard and let her play on her water mat. She had a blast, as usual. But this afternoon was extra special because she got to try one of Joel's favorite snacks: chocolate ice cream and cheerios. I know, I know, not the healthiest of choices. But she loved it! And she really didn't get enough ice cream for it to even make a difference.



Annie went to her new home today. I was sad to see her go, but I am also happy that she will be happy there. I really think she is going to spoiled by her new owners and they are going to take great care of her. I could tell when her new owner was talking to us, constantly petting Annie's head, that she would love her. But, I am going to miss her. She was our first dog together, and we rescued her. It was just so hard to have her with Marley. She never seemed to care if she was running over Marley or hitting her in the face with her tail. I will always love Annie, but I think she is going to be so much happier where she is. She climbed right in the car and sat perfectly in the back seat as Sharon pulled away. I was proud of her. She's a great dog.

So, after that was over, we spent some time in the backyard, making Kima feel not so sad. And I finally got some pictures of the three of us. Sure, I had to take them, but they are still cute!




We now have a week until Marley's birthday party, and I really hope it is a success. I hated hosting parties when I was younger, because I would stress out the whole time about if every one was having fun. But, I really don't think I will worry about that this time. It's about Marley! And I'm sure every one will have fun if she's having fun. I just hope getting our families and friends together isn't too awkward. I hate awkward situations even more than I hate hosting parties. I'm excited though. I think we can pull it off.

Marley's Fourth Month of Life

Chapter Four from Jillian Shaw on Vimeo.

Isn't she so sweet?

I got her to do "Yes"!

Three New Developments

Now that she has learned how entertaining shaking her head is, she does it all the time. Any time I tell her "no", she shakes her head. Any time I say "no" in a sentence to some one else, she shakes her head. Today she started catching on to what she's not supposed to do. So, when I saw her opening the cabinet doors and shaking her head, I had to laugh. She knows she's not supposed to do it and just went ahead and told herself "no". It cracked me up.

A few weeks ago, Marley got really good at giving us kisses when we asked her. Slowly, they have turned into bites. The first few times I squealed and looked at her really confused. Now it is getting really painful and my first instinct is to scream in pain. Today, Marley bit my lip so hard that I cried. I say "no" to her, but she just shakes her head. So, I don't think she gets it. Hopefully, we can work on that.

She can play peek-a-boo with herself now. She likes to play with a shirt, so she will cover her face and then pull it off with a huge smile on her face. So, I yell "peek-a-boo" and she laughs. It's so neat to me that she can figure that out!

Birth Regret

I am not happy with the way Marley was born. Of course I am so lucky that she is healthy and I was fine, but I so wish things had happened differently. The problems started when I was pregnant. I did not research everything I should have, assuming that if the doctor said I needed it, then I needed it. I sort of figured it didn't really matter if there was a bad side-effect. If she said it had to be done, then it was going to be done. So, things like induction, cesarean sections, and other doctor bullshit were just part of the package.

At 37 weeks, my blood pressure got high. It wasn't "have the baby right this second" high, it was "get induced in four days" high. My first mistake was agreeing to that. I was dilated to three centimeters, so Dr. Hill said we should do it. I should have said that I wanted to try bed rest first. That was never mentioned as an option, but I should have offered it. As much as bed rest would not have been fun, it should have been the first option to try before induction.

I had wanted to labor at home, naturally as long as possible. I had considered not getting an epidural, but I was keeping my options open since I had no idea what it would feel like. But once the pitocin was started on that Thursday morning, I was stuck in my hospital bed. I could not move around, walk, or change positions to accelerate things. They did let me have a rocking chair for an hour or so, but I had 5 cords coming off of me. I could barely rock. They raised my dose of pitocin every half hour, leading to stronger contractions more quickly. Unmanageable contractions led to getting and epidural. Getting an epidural stalled my labor and I stopped dilating. So, that meant I needed more pitocin. The pitocin-induced contractions came on too strong, too fast, leading to Marley heart rate dropping. And I still wasn't dilating because the epidural slowed me down. So, c-section it was. Here is a pretty cool clip from "The Business of Being Born" that explains it a little more.

So, it makes sense. The more interventions you have, the more you have to have. I honestly feel like I failed at giving birth. I know she's got here safely, but it could have been different. It could have been right. Things got even worse after she was born. I didn't get to hold her. Asa held her in front of me for a few seconds, then I was wheeled into the Recovery Room. I stayed there for an hour and a half, listening to the nurses talk about dates with guys and where they were going that night. I sat there while my daughter was alone in the nursery. I couldn't even remember what she looked like, and all I wanted was to see her. Even after I got out of recovery, they didn't bring her to me for almost an hour. And I pretty much don't remember most of the hospital stay. I was in a fog of drugs, feeding and holding my baby when I could. I don't think I had postpartum depression, but I was probably pretty close. Thank goodness I got to breast feed her successfully, because that was the only way I could feel like I had a bond with her.

I loved my doctor. She was a very nice lady, but I think I relied on her too much to make decisions for me. I assumed she knew what was best. But since Marley was born, I have been doing constant research and I really wish I had done things differently. So, we are going to with our next child. We are not planning on getting pregnant for at least another year and half, but when we do it will be different. We are planning to have a water birth with a midwife. That probably also means it will be at home, because they do not have water birthing tubs in hospitals here. I do think there is a place for hospital births and there is a place for c-sections. But if I can avoid it, I will. We want to strive for the best birth we can. Of course if it is necessary, we will go to the hospital, but I hope we don't.

I would love to have a natural birth, focused on our family, not the clock. And I am so excited about getting to do that, but it comes with a bit of sadness. I so wish I had had that with Marley. I feel like I am not being fair to her by doing it better this time around. I know that sounds silly and she doesn't even know any different, but I will know. I don't want to feel like I paid more attention with our next baby than I did with Marley, but I will be. I feel like I really missed out with her. I know it has nothing to do with how much I love her, she will always be my baby. I wish I could have bonded with her instantly after she was born and I wish I could remember the next few hours, days, weeks. But I can't and it breaks my heart.

So, how do I reconcile those feelings? I probably never would have thought about it if I hadn't had that experience with Marley first. And I am definitely doing it better next time around. But I don't want that little bit of sadness to be in the back of my head.

How many messes can she get into in two hours?

Number One: Mommy's purse

Number Two: All the straws and plastic utensils in the house

Number Three: Mommy's toiletry bag

But, hey. At least she's happy!

She Likes Them Now

A few weeks ago, I made this post about how Marley hates the swings at the park. Well, Friday night I decided we should try again. We have a park two blocks over from our house, so I packed us up and walked over there after dinner (hence the spaghetti sauce on Marley's cheeks). I just so happened that our old neighbors were there! So, Eli pushed Marley on the swings and they rode on the little horsie things. I was surprised that she actually loved them this time, and I hope when Asa gets back from fishing we can go on a regular basis. There is a pond right next to the park, so he can fish while we paly or have a picnic! Living next to a park is fun!