Birth Regret

I am not happy with the way Marley was born. Of course I am so lucky that she is healthy and I was fine, but I so wish things had happened differently. The problems started when I was pregnant. I did not research everything I should have, assuming that if the doctor said I needed it, then I needed it. I sort of figured it didn't really matter if there was a bad side-effect. If she said it had to be done, then it was going to be done. So, things like induction, cesarean sections, and other doctor bullshit were just part of the package.

At 37 weeks, my blood pressure got high. It wasn't "have the baby right this second" high, it was "get induced in four days" high. My first mistake was agreeing to that. I was dilated to three centimeters, so Dr. Hill said we should do it. I should have said that I wanted to try bed rest first. That was never mentioned as an option, but I should have offered it. As much as bed rest would not have been fun, it should have been the first option to try before induction.

I had wanted to labor at home, naturally as long as possible. I had considered not getting an epidural, but I was keeping my options open since I had no idea what it would feel like. But once the pitocin was started on that Thursday morning, I was stuck in my hospital bed. I could not move around, walk, or change positions to accelerate things. They did let me have a rocking chair for an hour or so, but I had 5 cords coming off of me. I could barely rock. They raised my dose of pitocin every half hour, leading to stronger contractions more quickly. Unmanageable contractions led to getting and epidural. Getting an epidural stalled my labor and I stopped dilating. So, that meant I needed more pitocin. The pitocin-induced contractions came on too strong, too fast, leading to Marley heart rate dropping. And I still wasn't dilating because the epidural slowed me down. So, c-section it was. Here is a pretty cool clip from "The Business of Being Born" that explains it a little more.

So, it makes sense. The more interventions you have, the more you have to have. I honestly feel like I failed at giving birth. I know she's got here safely, but it could have been different. It could have been right. Things got even worse after she was born. I didn't get to hold her. Asa held her in front of me for a few seconds, then I was wheeled into the Recovery Room. I stayed there for an hour and a half, listening to the nurses talk about dates with guys and where they were going that night. I sat there while my daughter was alone in the nursery. I couldn't even remember what she looked like, and all I wanted was to see her. Even after I got out of recovery, they didn't bring her to me for almost an hour. And I pretty much don't remember most of the hospital stay. I was in a fog of drugs, feeding and holding my baby when I could. I don't think I had postpartum depression, but I was probably pretty close. Thank goodness I got to breast feed her successfully, because that was the only way I could feel like I had a bond with her.

I loved my doctor. She was a very nice lady, but I think I relied on her too much to make decisions for me. I assumed she knew what was best. But since Marley was born, I have been doing constant research and I really wish I had done things differently. So, we are going to with our next child. We are not planning on getting pregnant for at least another year and half, but when we do it will be different. We are planning to have a water birth with a midwife. That probably also means it will be at home, because they do not have water birthing tubs in hospitals here. I do think there is a place for hospital births and there is a place for c-sections. But if I can avoid it, I will. We want to strive for the best birth we can. Of course if it is necessary, we will go to the hospital, but I hope we don't.

I would love to have a natural birth, focused on our family, not the clock. And I am so excited about getting to do that, but it comes with a bit of sadness. I so wish I had had that with Marley. I feel like I am not being fair to her by doing it better this time around. I know that sounds silly and she doesn't even know any different, but I will know. I don't want to feel like I paid more attention with our next baby than I did with Marley, but I will be. I feel like I really missed out with her. I know it has nothing to do with how much I love her, she will always be my baby. I wish I could have bonded with her instantly after she was born and I wish I could remember the next few hours, days, weeks. But I can't and it breaks my heart.

So, how do I reconcile those feelings? I probably never would have thought about it if I hadn't had that experience with Marley first. And I am definitely doing it better next time around. But I don't want that little bit of sadness to be in the back of my head.