2011

Every New Year's Eve, Asa and his friends have a party at his friend's lake property. They have a big bonfire with everyone's Christmas trees, they do fireworks, shoot guns, and whatever else they can come up with until 2 or 3 in the morning. He always goes and that always means that I'm home with Marley when it turns midnight. It's never really bothered me before, but this year was different. It was like all of the sudden I turned into the monster who didn't want her husband to see anybody or spend time with anyone other than her. I wondered why for days leading up to it. He had already made all the plans and it was his last night to see his friends. Why did I have to be so grumpy about something is usually fine?

He ended up going and I pouted at home alone for a few hours. At 11:30 pm, he came in the door. I was so happy to see him for the last 30 minutes of 2010, and he was so proud that he had surprised me. It suddenly hit me why I was so upset. We are going to spend 10 months of 2011 apart. Why would I want to start off the year that way? Alone, at home.

Midnight came, we did a "Welcome, 2011" kiss, and then I burst into tears. I wasn't ready for 2011 to be here.

I have so much to look forward to this year. I get to see Marley grow, welcome our new baby, watch Marley be an awesome big sister, spend time with my family, and adjust to life with two babies. Thinking about the Spring and Summer in Texas makes me excited about all of the things we will get to do.

But, then there is a huge dark cloud looming over my 2011 also. My husband will miss all of that. As happy as I will be to meet our new baby and watch Marley swim all summer, I will also be thinking about the fact that Asa is missing it. I will be a slave to my Nikon and Flip, trying to capture everything on film for him to see, but it just won't be the same as having him here.

My tears lasted for a while as I hated 2011 for coming so soon. When I could say that he deploys "next year" it wasn't so bad. But, 2011 had to come and change all of that.

I am feeling much better now, a few weeks later. Obviously, I don't want Asa to leave but I am determined to look on the bright side. And I am also determined to make 2011 a good year, even if I have to fake it until I believe it. I am not really the kind of person who make New Year's Resolutions. I made an unofficial one last year to get healthy, which I accomplished. But this year I am documenting them, and when I am down in the dumps in a few months I will have something to remind me about my goals for the year.

1. Have this baby. That seems pretty simple and obvious, but I have a lot of work to do before that happens, which will hopefully distract me a little bit. I have many books to read about VBACs, and I have to really work on keeping myself very healthy for the next 6 months. I have baby things to buy and rooms to get ready, and the best little two-year-old helper by my side eager to get involved.

2. Save Money. We have a credit card and truck to pay off, and various savings accounts to start. I already have a lot of excitement thinking about the financial aspect of this deployment.

3. Stay Busy. I have all the baby-related things I mentioned in resolution #1, but I also have a lot of other things I want to do this year. I want to enroll Marley in some gymnastics classes, sign myself up to be able to swim somewhere regularly, watch all seasons of Gilmore Girls, catch up on TONS of scrapbooks I want to make, and my mom and I have a few projects planned that she needs my help with. Not to mention, I will be updating my blog as much as possible for Asa to see what is going on with our babies.

4. Stay Positive. I'm not really sure how that will get accomplished yet. I don't think I'll really know what will help me stay positive until I get there. But recently, I have been oddly motivated about this year. I feel like I will have things to do and hopefully the days won't drag on like I originally thought they would. How ever it happens, I really think that staying positive will help even more than staying busy.

To the people reading this, if you see my depressed during the next year remind me to go back and read this. Hopefully then I will feel motivated all over again!

And to 2011, when you arrived I was dreading you more than anything. But I promise to try my hardest to make this a year full of good things. And hopefully one day I will be very glad you came!