Confused Feelings

Once I finally got to take a shower today was when I heard the phone ring. Asa has his own special ring, so I knew immediately it was him. I turned off the shower and ran to get the phone without grabbing a towel.

Hey! I was in the shower… Do I have time to dry off?
No, I only have one minute.
Okay.
This is just our call to let you know we are at basic.

I could hear his drill sergeant in the background shout “30 seconds!” And then it was like a mad rush to get everything in that we both wanted to say. It’s like you just start rambling off all the sentences you have time for, and sometimes they don’t even make sense.

How are you? Did you just now get to basic?
Kiss Marley for me.
I’m sad you aren’t here for Thanksgiving.
I love you.
How are you?
I’m okay. I have to go now.
You don’t sound okay. I love you too.
Bye.

That conversation left me feeling concerned about him, happy I got to hear from him, and basically just confused about how I should feel. My grandfather said that Asa isn’t supposed to be happy right now, and I know that, but I at least thought he might be happy when he got to talk to me. Instead he sounded distraught. It was hard to hear Asa sound that way. I am relieved that I can send him letters now and hopefully that will brighten his day a little bit to be able to hear from all the people who love him.

It’s so exhausting having this cloud looming over you all the time, but I honestly don’t know what to do about it. When I am smiling and laughing I feel guilty for feeling that way when I know Asa is probably not. But at the same time I know he doesn’t want me moping around feeling sorry for him. I hate to admit this, but before we were in this situation I never understood why people acted like it was such a big deal to be away from your husband for a little while. But it is a big deal, no matter if your husband is gone for a year of a few weeks. It is hard on a daily basis to not know what is happening and not know how you feel about it.

I hope it gets easier.