Regret

My memories are quickly leaving my head. It makes me cry to think about how much I have already forgotten. I don't remember how it felt to hold my 7 pound baby in my arms. I don't remember what I was thinking when I met her. I don't remember what happened in the hospital or the next day at my mom's. I can't even explain how much that breaks my heart. Some of that can be attributed to the fact that I was on drugs, but not all of it. I should be able to remember things.

We didn't videotape enough. I don't have any video from when I was pregnant, and we only have a few videos from Marley's first month. The only video we have from the hospital was taken by Asa's family and does not really show our moments together as a family of three. I don't even remember that now. And we certainly don't have enough pictures. I should have taken more pictures of our newborn at home and I should have videos of her moving around in my belly. Why didn't we? I breaks my heart.

I feel like I am missing some major part of her life, and it's not like I can go back and look at it again to remember. I want to remember so bad. This is the most important thing that has ever happened to me and I can't even remember how happy I was when it happened.

Unfortunately, I can't do anything but regret it. I can do better from this point on and make sure that everything will stay in my memory, but that doesn't help with earlier. I know it doesn't have any reflection on how much I love her and care about her. I am thankful for that. I just miss all those memories.