OBGYN's Have a Messy Job

Yesterday, I had my annual Well Woman exam at 2:30. I have had this appointment since my 6 week postpartum check-up. At that appointment, I didn't bring my daughter with me, which is evidently a big no-no. All the nurses and Dr. Hill were pretty sad. I told Asa that he had to come with me so that we could bring Marley and show her off.

About 10 minutes after we got there, Marley started her little I'M HUNGRY dance. The three women and two men sitting in the waiting room with me are looking at me like, "Aren't you going to do something?" So, I asked Asa to go walk around the hallway with her while I finished filling out all the stupid paper-work (I was here 6 months ago... is this really necessary?) After I finished, I went up to the lady at the front desk:

Me: I know this is a big request, but do you have an empty room where I could nurse my daughter? hopeful smile

Front Desk Bitch: NURSE her? Why?

Me: Well, she's hungry and I just don't feel comfortable doing it right here in the middle of everyone. hopeful smile through clenched teeth

FDB: Well, I would have to go ask...

Me: Yea, ok...

FDB: Ok, I'll be back in a minute.

-five minutes later-

FDB: Ok, we have somewhere, but it's just a chair and a room. That's it. Just come on back.

Me: Thanks. sassy grin

So, fortunately, when I got back there all the nurses were really sweet and understanding. It must just be the girl at the front desk who is PMSing. They close me in the room and I try to feed Marley. Of course, she screams and flails around like she always does in public. After about 10 minutes of trying to get her to calm down, I give her the pacifier and tell Asa to take her for a drive. So much for everyone getting to see her.

I finally got called back to my room at 3:45. They tell me to get completely undressed, because I am also having a breast exam. So, I do it and wait. I have on a paper blanket across my legs, a paper vest to cover my top half, and paper lining the table. As I always do for some reason at this office, I start sweating. Which isn't a big deal for the paper that is covering me, but the paper underneath me starts sticking to my legs. I try to move around to get comfortable and hear it tearing underneath me. No big deal, I just won't move.

So, I start reading a magazine. -hm, something is wet- I look down at my attractive little paper vest and see a huge wet spot the size of my head. I guess that's what I get for looking at all the pictures of babies in that magazine... So, I can't decide what to do. I just know that if I get up and look for another vest thing, she will come in the second I'm uncovered. It might scare her to walk in on a crazy, butt-naked lady with milk squirting all over the place. But, I can't hear anything in the hallway, so I decide to risk it. Then, just as I am sitting back down about to change my vest, she comes in. It is completely obvious what is going on, but I explained anyway. I'm sure my face was bright red and I looked like a weirdo, but she laughed anyway and made me feel better.

So, first is the breast exam. She makes a joke about being careful so that she doesn't get squirted in the eye, but nothing happens. Then as she is going to the other side, I remember that she is about to find something odd. Tuesday morning, I woke up with a hickey next to my nipple. I was so freaking tired that night that I evidently didn't even feel Marley had missed my nipple while she was trying to eat. She must have sucked pretty dang hard because it's about the size of a dime and all black and blue. So, I quickly put my hand over it like an idiot and try to explain myself.

Me: um, well, I woke up with a hickey the other morning. I promise it's from my daughter. It doesn't hurt or anything, it's just pretty weird.

Dr. Hill: Oh, haha, I see that. Aw, it's so little, it had to be her!

My face turned bright red and I felt like such a crazy person. I had wet milk spots all over me, a hickey on the side of my boob, and to top it all off, I had forgotten to shave my legs! I'm sure she has seen much worse, but she is probably not looking forward to seeing me next year. I need to plan these things better.