The Future

One of my biggest fears about having a new baby is how it will change my relationship with Marley. I have been with her every single day and every single night of her life. She and I are buddies, and that will never change. But it would be completely naive of me to think that things will stay the exact same way they are now.

Asa and I have always known that we wanted a big family, so there wasn't ever a debate about whether or not we should have a second baby. We knew we would. We want our kids to have siblings to play in the yard with, and we want to have big family dinners together every night. I still want those things, it just breaks my heart a little bit to think about that fact that my time with just Marley is running out. Starting in July, she isn't the only one who gets to decide what games we play or when we do something. There will be another little baby who has a say also. And our last time as a family of three was months ago, before Asa left! It will never again be the three of us, like it has been for over two years.

Don't get me wrong, she will be an awesome big sister. I have never doubted that. She will love this baby more than I can imagine right now. I just worry about her still knowing how special she is to me. We have talked about how I will be nursing the baby, and I will have to rest a lot. And we have talked about how I might need her help sometimes and the fact that she will have to be gentle with the baby. I am trying to prepare her as much as I can, I just fear it will be a big shock when it actually happens.

I am sad that I will miss things with Marley now. Other people may have to take her to do things that I would have normally done with her. What will she think? Will she miss me? Will she understand? Will she still want to cuddle with me just as much as she does now? Will she be happy to cuddle with me and the baby? I don't want to miss her gymnastics classes or reading her bedtime stories.

But then I remind myself how much fun she will have with this baby one day. Right now, I am really thinking this baby is a little girl. Marley and I talk about what her name will be, things they will do together one day, and how much fun they will have. I picture two little girls together, and I wonder how this baby will be different from Marley. Marley has my personality for the most part, so will this baby have Asa's? Will she be the wild child? Will she look like Marley? Will they be best friends and will Asa get to continue to say "my girls"? And if it's a boy, will Marley like to play dress up with him like I did my little brother? Will she want to protect him, and have an opinion about the girls he wants to date one day? Will he be the wild child? Will he be an Asa Jr. and destroy everything is his path, break both of his arms, and pour rice in his big sister's computer? Will they be best friends, no matter what the sex of this baby?

I like to think so. And I like to think that it may be hard to miss my little girl at first, it is totally worth it for her to have a sibling. I think about the cute pictures I will get of them, and the activities we will like to do together, and it makes me so excited. I can't for Asa to meet this baby, and for us to be a family of four. I'll put on kid in the car seat while he does the other. He can push the stroller while I hold Marley's hand. He can get Marley a snack while I'm feeding the baby. Little things like that will mean the world to me when we can be a family again.

There is so much to look forward to about having a new baby, and I know it will be wonderful. I am just so scared of how I will feel when it's not just Marley and me anymore. I am trying to soak up our alone time together right now and make plenty of memories for us to think about later. And in the end, everything will be fine and we will have our big happy family around the table for dinner!