Deployment Breakdown

I had my first deployment breakdown yesterday. I'm not sure if "deployment breakdown" is really a term, but I'm making it one because I definitely had one.

I was getting a package together for Asa, and uploaded some pictures to Walmart.com to print for him. So, five hours later I went to pick them up. The guy at the photo counter tells me that they can't print any pictures today because they are updating their software. So, I told him I didn't understand why they would tell me my pictures would be ready in an hour if they aren't printing pictures at all today. He said he didn't know. That's when I raised my voice and waved my hands yelling, "My husband is deployed and I'm just trying to send him some pictures of our daughter since he's half way across the world!" (And even as I was yelling at him I couldn't believe what I was doing. I'm just not that kind of person.) So, he puts his hands on the counter, leans over towards me and says, "Lady, there is nothing I can do about it!"

I calmly walked away, and then the tears started. They were slow at first, and then I found myself hiding in the ladies underwear aisle sobbing. I was terribly embarrassed, but at the same time I just wanted someone to come ask me if I was okay and at least offer me a dressing room to cry in so people weren't staring at me. Poor Marley was petting my arm, telling me "It's okay Mommy. Why you cryin' Mommy?"

I composed myself enough to go through the checkout line, and then cried the whole way home in the car. Meanwhile, I was trying to tell Marley that I was okay, and that I was just having a bad day. I don't think she really believed, and that was the biggest reason that I stopped crying. She didn't need to see it happening.

Before Asa left, we talked about how hard this deployment would be. I had read that it would be hard, and I had heard that it would be hard. But I had no idea what kind of hard. I honestly feel like it was easy for the first few weeks. I was so busy, and it just didn't feel real yet. But I think I've reached the hard part now.

It's hard because I'm so lonely. I have Marley, our family, and friends, and I appreciate all of them. But no matter what, they can't replace Asa.
It's hard to watch Marley miss him so much. The other day she told me, "I really want Daddy come home. I want take a bath with him." It broke my heart, and it's so hard to find an answer for her.
It's hard to wonder how he's doing, and not hear from him when he said we would. It's obviously not his fault that he can't call us, but it is still so disappointing when my hopes are up.
It's hard know that so many things will happen to both of us that we will never get to talk about. We tell each other about everything when we are together, and there are so many things that I want to tell him every day. But they get forgotten or we don't have time to talk about them.
It's hard to know that yes, we made it through our first month. But can we do that 11 more times?
It's hard to want time to go by so quickly for one reason, but slowly for other reasons.

I wish I could be upbeat all the time. But it's just not possible. I want to write about the hard days too, because in a few months I may need to remember how I felt. It may help to see how things have changed for us. Hopefully they get better.