A Resolution

I was looking through some old blog posts that I wrote around Marley's first birthday and I found this post. I made me so sad to read.

I feel like everything has been so hectic for the past few months. Ever since she turned one, our lives have been going so fast. I wonder if I have been enjoying it as much as I should have. Between moving, getting married, school, Asa leaving, and just juggling my daily life, the stress has been consuming me and I am thinking I might look back and wish I had not worried so much. Did I spend enough time making sure Marley was happy these past few months? Have I been as patient as I should have been? I know for sure the answer to that is no. It is so hard to remember these things in the middle of the day when Marley is crying and I am starving and I am trying to switch over the laundry and I have an assignment to do for school. All I want at that moment is for Marley to take a nap or play by herself so that I can have a moment to do whatever it is I need to do. But, late at night when she is asleep and I am sitting in the living room, all I want to do is hug her and watch her sleep. I just wish I could remember that when it's that stressful moment in the middle of the day. And I have a feeling that is exactly how I will feel in 20 years also. I will wish I could just go back and do it all over again, no matter how hectic it was.

Life is hard with Asa not here. I can tell that Marley misses her Daddy and she can tell I miss him as well. So much has changed for her and so much is still changing that I just want to be the best parent I can be for her. I want to give her something steady. I want her to know that I will always help her and I will always love her, not matter how many loads of laundry I cannot get done.

I know it is a common problem for moms to lose their patience, but it is still hard to admit to. So, think of it as my New Year's Resolution. I want to consciously think about being patient with Marley every time I feel stressed or worried. Being in a stressful situation is just a part of the ride, the good comes with the bad, and every part of it is totally worth it. Marley is the reason for everything I do, she is the most amazing thing in my life. I just feel like sometimes I forget that. Sometimes I let the less important things get in the way of showing Marley how much she means to me. I don't want to anymore.

I'm going to get in bed with my beautiful baby.