Reflections

When I was pregnant, I had this idea of how I was going to be with my child.  Of course we bought her a crib to sleep in and a stroller to ride in.  That's what everyone else does, right?  And, I remember one of the first things my mom talked to me about after finding out I was pregnant, was breastfeeding.  I told her that I was going to try to breastfeed, but if I couldn't it would be okay.  No big deal.  And, when Asa and I planned out our lives after we found out we were pregnant, I thought "Oh, the baby will just go to day care during the day."  That will be fine.

But it is completely amazing how the second I held my little Marley in my arms, everything changed.  There was an urge I suddenly had to do everything the best I possibly could.  Who knew that all the ways I thought I was going to do things would just fly out the window?  Instead of trying to breastfeed, I made myself breastfeed.  And it was and still is one of the most rewarding things I have ever done.  Instead of Marley sleeping in her room alone, she is still sleeping with us.  And I wouldn't trade that at all.  I don't feel like I am being punished right now for doing it early on.  There is nothing that helps me sleep better.  I love having her little hand on my chest and her breath on my arm while I sleep.  It's cozy.  And day care?  How could I ever have thought that I would feel fine with that?  I can't even imagine leaving her with someone else all day long and then seeing her for 3 hours at night before she goes to bed.  I would be a miserable person to deal with all day.

I just think it is so interesting how things change once your baby is here.  All the planning and preparing you do while you are pregnant can change in a second when you meet your baby.  All the sudden, I didn't care how much I was sleeping or how long it had been since I had a shower.  All I care about it is is my baby happy?  There are so many different ways to be a mother, and none of them are the right way for everyone else.  I do what makes my baby happy and what makes Asa and I happy.  Isn't that all we can ask for?

Eight months ago today I was getting everything ready to have my baby.  I knew I was going in the next morning to be induced, so Asa and I were cleaning, organizing, going to the doctor, and pacing.  I had no idea what was coming.  I had no idea how drastically things were going to change and the intense love that I was going to feel for this little girl.  I knew I loved my baby before she was born, but it was a completely different love when I got to hold her.