She's Finally Here

So, it was time for the c-section. Time to meet the little person who had been living inside me for so long. They brought the anesthesiologist back into the room and he talked to me about the surgery and gave me more medicine in the epidural. I told him about me being dilated and he asked if I was sure this is what I wanted to do. I appreciated him being interested, but I wasn't going to change my mind. Asa was all dressed up in his scrubs and they were actually going to let my mom look in through a window while it was going on. This is not something they do on a regular basis, but I know she really wanted to be there for me. And it made me feel more comforted that she was there.

Once we got in the operating room, they moved me onto the table. I felt soooo heavy since I couldn't move anything and I was almost embarrassed since there were people that were having to lift me. They put up the sheet to block my view. After that it was a blur. I remember a few things, like that I was shaking really bad, the blood pressure machine was killing me, and that I got really sick to my stomach. The anesthesiologist asked me if I could feel him pinching me and I hadn't even known anyone was trying it. I remember asking Asa if they had started and he said no, but a few second later the doctor said they were almost to the baby. Asa kept looking over the sheet, then sitting back down, then looking over again. I could see my mom's smile if I turned me head to the left. I also remember that I made sure Dr. Hill knew that we didn't know what we were having and that she had to tell us as soon as she knew.

When the finally got to the baby, I heard Dr. Hill say, "Does that look like a girl's face or a boy's face?" Then a few seconds later I heard, "It's a girl!" The tears immediately started pouring out of my eyes. I was laughing and crying at the same time, which is a wonderful feeling. They held her over the sheet for me to see. I couldn't really tell what she looked like, but I was so relieved to see her! I could hear her crying as they took her over to the bassinet. Asa followed, which is exactly where I wanted him to be. I remember mouthing to my mom "It's a girl" and her just nodding and smiling at me. I kept asking the doctors "Is she okay?" and the anesthesiologist kept saying that she was great. Soon, Asa came back over to me and I asked to see pictures of her. All I remember saying is "She has your lips!" Then, i got to see her. Asa came around the corner with her all wrapped up and showed her to my mom through the window, who was crying. They I finally got to touch her. Asa leaned down with her and I just remember kissing her over and over. The nurse took a few pictures of us. The love I felt for her was overwhelming already and I could tell by the look on Asa's face that he felt the same way. I had never felt closer to him or more proud to be with him. We had our baby! We had waited for 9 months to meet her and she was finally here and the sweetest thing I had ever seen. Throughout the pregnancy, I prayed that our baby would be beautiful. But, she was more beautiful than either of us could have imagined. I wanted to hold her so bad.

But our time together could not last very long. The nurse had Asa and our baby follow her out and into the nursery and I was left to finish being sewn up. It was over pretty quickly, but then again all I was thinking about was the baby. The doctors got me transferred to the new bed and wheeled me out to the recovery room. As we left the labor and delivery area of the hospital, I turned my head to see everyone down the hall. I couldn't see who all it was, but I knew they were there for me. They took me past the nursery where I could see my baby again. She was butt naked with her eyes wide open. The doctors moving me commented on how beautiful she was and I felt proud. I didn't to leave her there with all the people she didn't know, but I didn't have a choice.

The recovery room was the hardest part of the night. I had given birth to a baby that was now alone in the hospital and I had never even gotten to hold her. I didn't really remember what she looked like since I hadn't gotten to see her for that long. Two different doctors came in and made comments about all the people waiting to see me in the hallway. This made me even more excited because I wanted to see all the people who had come to see me and the baby! I wanted to thank them for coming and showing they love me! Finally, after an hour and 15 minutes, they nurse got herself together to take me to my room. As I passed the nursery there was a family standing in the window looking at my baby and talking about how gorgeous she was. They saw me and asked if I was her mother. I got to proudly say, "Yes, I'm her mom." It felt amazing to say those words, something I had never said before. I asked when I would get to see her and they said it would be about 30 minutes.

Unfortunately, all my guests had left except for Asa and my mom. They were waiting in the room for me when I got there. I recounted to them how everything had gone and what I was thinking and feeling through the whole thing. They had both already gotten to hold her, so when the nursery brought her to me, I was first. She was so tiny and beautiful and peaceful. When they handed her to me all I wanted to do was cry. I felt like the luckiest person in the world to be able to call this little person mine. All the drama that had happened through the day didn't matter one bit. She was here and she was healthy and she was in my arms. Eventually I let me mom hold her since it was late and my mom needed to get home. I was dead tired, but all I wanted to do was stay awake with her so I wouldn't miss anything. It was nice to finally be able to talk to Asa and see how he was feeling. He sounded so excited, but so tired.

One thing we had not discussed was what we would name her. But there was nothing to discuss. We both knew that her name would be Marley Jennings Vermeulen. It was amazing that we had argued about it for months, but once we met her it was like she named herself. Our first few attempts at breastfeeding were not easy. I had flat nipples and could not get her to latch on for more than a few seconds. But this was something that I really wanted to do. We called in my nurse and one from the nursery, but neither really knew what to do. Finally someone brought me a nipple shield. It is pretty much shaped like a bottle nipple, but you put it on your breast for the baby to suck from. She did great with that and after we have nursed a few times, she was a pro. Nursing her was amazing. She pretty much ate every two hours on her own. I didn't feed her one a schedule, I did it on demand. It was so satisfying to be able to feed ehr that way and feel so proud of myself for accomplishing it. She looked so content and happy.

We decided that we wanted to let her stay in the room with us. However, she did not like being on the bassinet all alone (and I didn't blame her) so I held her all night. Unfortunately, half way through the night I got really sick and was throwing up. I really didn't want her to end up with vomit on her, so we called the nursery to come get her. I asked that they bring her back when she needed to eat. Even with Marley gone, I hardly got any sleep. With a nurse coming in every hour to check on you and a blood pressure monitor going off every half hour I barely slept.

It felt like it never would, but morning came and the nursery brought Marley back to us. Her doctor came by to tell us she was perfectly healthy, and then the visitors started. Everyone came by to visit. The visitors pretty much didn't stop until Saturday afternoon when we left. We spent a little time with just the three of us. We took a nap together in the hospital bed. Other than diaper changes, she was being held the entire time. And I think that's the way it should be. You can't expect your baby to love hanging out by itself when its just been inside of you for 9 whole months. They need that comfort.

On Saturday, we got the go ahead to leave the hospital. My mom brought over the outfit that I wore home from the hospital and we put it on her. It was her first real outfit and she looked adorable! They took her to the nursery one more time for her hospital pictures (which I have still never been told about) and then she wheeled us out. It was amazing to leave the hospital with her. It felt so real at that point.

We spent Saturday night at the mom's house so that she could feed us and take care of me. That night was rough. I had not really heard about how good swaddling was for them, so I didn't get much sleep. She probably felt too alone and open with just a onesie on. So, I kept trying to feed her and walk with her, but I could not figure out what to do. Finally at 4ish, my mom got up and helped me with her. I took a nap and my mom held her while Marley slept. It was great to have her help all day. But, by Sunday afternoon I really wanted to be at our home. I was ready for things to be back to normal. But what was normal now?